Sunday, February 6, 2011

the jack of clubs

So you want to be a writer.

Before you start writing anything, you need to have a website. With a really cool nameplate. And a logo.

You need to have your own logo, or nobody will ever take you or anything you ever write seriously.

Once you have a logo and a website, you should probably get a sidekick.

You don't need to begin the writing process unless you have a sidekick.

Your sidekick could be human, but most people will find it more endearing if your sidekick is a dog or a cat. Your dog would curl up around your feet while you gaze at your website and logo, and your cat would do something adorable like put its paws on your keyboard, which is a definite YouTube moment.

If your sidekick is something low-maintenance and inanimate, like, say, the Jack of Clubs or a cigar box stuffed with newspaper clippings about beheadings, people might think you're insane.

Well, actually, my cigar box ran out of room, so I'm looking for a new sidekick.


If you have a website, logo, and sidekick, you're on your way to an exciting life as a writer.

But you're still not ready yet.

You need "issues."

Drug dependency is so played out. So is alcoholism. It's okay to have a family that hates you because you live on the couch, you're nearing middle age, and all you have is a website, a logo, and a mysterious cigar box, but you can do better than that.


Okay. So, you've got a website, a logo, a sidekick, videos of your cat on YouTube, you still live with your mom and you're thirty-five years old, and you pee in the bed (or couch) nightly.

Sounds like you're almost ready to start writing.

There's just one more thing...

I always forget that one thing...