Monday, March 23, 2009

a handshake instead of a kiss

I'm back.

Sort of.

The other day my wife asked me a question that inspired me to explain one of the tenets of The Code of Boy.

She asked, "When I shake hands with a man, am I supposed to squeeze?"

I chuckled to myself, and then wondered if she was waging some sinister espionage ruse to try to ferret out the secrets of the code. She explained that her boss, a sorry excuse for a man, squeezes her hand really hard whenever he shakes hands... and it pisses her off... so the last time he did it, she squeezed back and it freaked him out.

Okay. This guy's an idiot who was probably raised in a cave.

Code of Boy: There are several basic hand-hand contact scenarios when initiating or acknowledging a greeting. The basic two: shaking and holding. Males shake hands with males, applying a calculated degree of pressure that says, "Don't fuck with me or I'll stab you in the eye," or, "If your wife was hotter, I'd be all over that." Males hold hands with females and don't let go until the female initiates the withdrawal.

There. No brainer. Guys who shake with women are borderline abusers, at worst, or are gender-confused in the broadest sense. Likewise, males who greet and hold with other males usually have clammy skin and... ewww....

And, of course, The Code of Boy does go on in specific detail regarding the techniques for other hand-hand greeting rituals, including: High Five (there are minimum decibel requirements for male-male H5), Knuckle Punching (it must hurt, just a little), and even the universal Good and Bad "Fuck You" finger salute.