Wednesday, August 3, 2011

the solution den

In honor of SCBWI LA this week, I am going to offer a special conference session on writing today. I may have another one about something else all SCBWI-ey tomorrow.

You can put your money in the slot:

Yeah, okay... so it kind of looks like the back of yesterday's "special" name tag.

Anyway, here's our conference: How to be a Writer

This is what I do. I set my coffee to brew every morning starting at exactly 4:12 a.m. [By the way, this is totally true.] That way, the coffee is all dark and hot by the time I actually pour my first cup, which is usually around 5:20 or so. Since it's summer, I've been getting up later than usual. I'm usually out of bed by 5.

You have to do push-ups and situps. This gets blood in your writer's brain. I turn on the computer and pour coffee. I do not get dressed. Getting dressed is stupid. Then I write and drink coffee. I don't care how much I write at first, but I'll usually get a good amount of words done in the morning.

Last night I had a dream about a Suicide Prevention Pit Bull named Alien. It was a brindle female. That is the truth. I am going to put her in the book I am currently writing. That is also the truth.

Everyone should have a Suicide Prevention Pit Bull, in my opinion. Once you work out the kinks with the mauling and shit like that, your problems seem suddenly insignificant.

Then, at 8:00 I go for a run. Yesterday I was slow and draggy. I ran about 7 miles. Today, I feel like running. I'll probably go about 10. I just need to finish this blogging shit.

I read a blog where the writer said that blogging was a waste of time. No shit. What a dumb fucking thing to say.

Where was I?

I prefer to run alone because I think up great shit when I run. No iPods or shit like that. There's never people out here where I run, too, which is especially nice.

You know what else I do when I need to think of cool shit (besides dream and run distance)?

I sit in my sauna.

This is it:

I built it myself.

I've actually written a lot of shit in there. You can think up really cool shit when you're naked and sweating. You should try that.

Have you put the money in the slot yet?

I hadn't used my sauna in over a year, but I fired it up yesterday. Afterwards, I was like, holy shit! I thought up some cool shit just now.

So, that's how you Be a Writer.

The thing is [and this is where people are going to get really pissed off at me... eh... what can I say?] that if you do what I do, you will NEVER be a writer. Never, never, never. You also will never be a writer if you do what anyone else who tells you how they be writers... um... be... does... I don't know, some shit like that.

Look at the time! I don't just waste my time for free, you know. I have shit to do. Dogs to dream about, miles to run, and sitting around naked and sweating to accomplish today.

I'm leaving.

Tomorrow, maybe I'll do a conference on agent tips and tricks.

Or the care and preening of Suicide Prevention Pit Bulls.