Thursday, November 3, 2011

a bath, a shave, and modesty

I have decided that since I give such good advice to writers that I would start my own advice column.

I am going to start an advice column for spam email.

Here is an example of what I get in my "advice" inbox:

I received a desperate cry for help just today. The subject line said this:

春藥 壯陽 增長增大 持久 激情藥

When I translate it, this equals:

Aphrodisiac drugs aphrodisiac growth increase lasting passion

I don't really know what you are asking me, but I will try.

The email came from someone named Cherry. 

I figure if you name a kid Cherry, they are pretty much going to be in a good mood for their entire life.

How could anyone named Cherry ever be disgruntled?

Cherry, my advice to you is to wear lots of bright colors. You should also invest in a sassy boutique dog -- like a Pomeranian, or shit like that -- and walk it where singles gather!

Thanks for writing!

I got another email that said this:


It was from someone named Japan.

Japan's parents were probably hippies.

Google translated the message to this:

We very much for waiting.

I feel bad, like I've strung Japan and his or her hippie sensibilities along or something.

Don't wait for me, Japan.

I think it's time for you to move on.

Try treating yourself to a relaxing foot bath!

Thanks for writing!