Tuesday, December 20, 2011

don we now

I have been encountering a lot of uptight people lately.

Seems like everywhere I go, people are lacking that certain this-time-of-year spirit.


I am not Christian.

But every year my wife and kids celebrate Christmas.

I enjoy giving gifts, but I do not like receiving them.

We've had this talk before.

Anyway, my family likes to decorate the tree and stuff like that at this time of year.

I am okay with that.

We have a nice tree.

Would I be a bad person if I said that I think we have a predilection for hanging ornaments that are particularly gay?

I love our gay Christmas tree.

I do believe it is the gayest Christmas tree in our little lakeside community.

Even though it is Christmas, my little lakeside community is not very gay at all.

I always thought you were supposed to feel gay this time of year, but up here where I live, people just don't seem to have the spirit at all.

Eh... what do I know? I'm not even Christian, anyway. I probably do not have the right to feel gay this time of year.

My dumb, uptight neighbors need a hug or something.

Maybe if I show them pictures of my Christmas tree ornaments, it will, as the song says, make their yuletide gay. I feel gay every time I look at my tree, and I want my neighbors to feel gay, too.

I'm all about spreading the spirit.

This is my tree:

Here is one of my ornaments:

How can you NOT smile at that???

That little fellow always makes me feel gay.

Here are some more:

I bet you feel gayer now, too.

I would show you some pictures of the sparkling, bejeweled unicorn ornaments, but that might be too much for one blog post.

So here are two other random ornaments from my very gay Christmas tree.

First, this ornament came from (I am not making this shit up) President Ronald Reagan. It is a long story, but it is true. Ronnie, if you are reading this blog from heaven, I just want to say thank you for making my tree so gay and... I don't know... gold plated or something.

That ornament doesn't make me feel so gay. It's a little too regimented and contains a subtle message like "We are not gay in this house." I can almost hear the gold doors slamming. But, oh well... it came from the president of the fucking world. It deserves a spot on the tree.

Am I allowed to say "fuck" in a post about my Christmas tree?

I'll have to ask my neighbors.

And finally, I don't know what the fuck this is. My son made it when he was in 2nd grade.

He always got bad grades in art.

Fuck that.

How can you give a child a bad grade in art?

Guess what, second-grade-teacher-with-a-telephone-pole-up-your-ass? My son is now at UC Berkeley, which is, like the number-three rated university in the fucking world. He got in when he was sixteen years old.

Maybe it was because he made shit like this, that nobody understands:


Maybe not.

Ho ho ho.