Thursday, December 22, 2011

the battle of kelsey creek bridge

Let the conference continue!

Have I ever told you how much I despise exclamation marks?

This is what an exclamation mark represents to me: The spot on the bottom is my eyeball. The slender pointed thing on top is a filth-encrusted, burning hot knitting needle that stabs me in the eye. It goes entirely through the eyeball, popping it like a grape, and continues onward to the center of my brain.

That is what exclamation marks do to me.

You know what else I despise?

Having to write a biography of myself.

The class begins:

By the way, in case you have not noticed, the noble colon is perhaps my most-favored punctuation mark.

It reminds me of halibut.

I know this: I will admit that even if you are a man, as I am, and you are a writer, again, as I, you probably cannot avoid using that utterly disgusting exclamatory implement of punctuation.

It is wise to avoid ever creating a character who routinely says shit like this:


If I were, as I've wished in the past, an amoeba, I would split in two just so I could punch myself in the face for having written that.

On the other hand, I find characters who say the following to be both endearing and masculine:

"Holy shit!"

In this case, the exclamation mark is kind of like kissing your wizened, phlegm-hacking, chain-smoking grandmother: Disgusting, but obligatory. It is also offset by the indisputable coolness of the preceding two-word combination:

Holy + Shit

And, unfortunately, if you are a man, and you are a writer, somebody is going to inevitably require you to compose a short autobiography.

Autobiographies, like exclamation marks, make me feel slutty.

So I thought I'd give some tips to aspiring writers (especially manly ones) about how one goes about conquering the task of composing a short autobiography.

I have little arguments in my head between myself and myself.

This morning's argument went like this:

DREW 1: The people at Simon and Schuster are asking me to send in a biography.

DREW 2: Make shit up!

DREW 1: Why did you use an exclamation mark?

DREW 2: I like to fuck with you.

DREW 1: I got an email from a kid this morning. He asked why we don't have a Wikipedia page. I do not know why we don't have a Wikipedia page. I never thought about it.

DREW 2: You know what does have a Wikipedia page?

DREW 1: What?

DREW 2: Pus has a Wikipedia page. Also Underarm Hair has a Wikipedia page. You want to know why you don't have a Wikipedia page? Because you are a fucking loser, that's why.

DREW 1: Maybe I do not have a Wikipedia page because I do not ever submit short autobiographies of myself when people ask me to.

DREW 2: Let me write your autobiography for you. I will tell them all the most embarrassing shit I can remember about you.

DREW 1: Um. Look. I can't believe that author biographies and photos contribute in any positive way to the published work.

DREW 2: You don't believe in a lot of shit.

DREW 1: I'll have to give you that.

DREW 2: Did I actually just win this argument?

DREW 1: I think you did.

DREW 2: Squee!

This was my morning.