Wednesday, October 8, 2008

thinking about moving


So, I was talking on my cell phone today. I just dialed a random number and started talking. God knows, nobody would ever call me.

And I'm talking to this complete stranger. It wasn't important what we were talking about... that's not why I called. I just wanted to pay attention to how I talked when I was on the phone.

I know... this is confusing.

But I thought about this the other day when I was on the radio, being interviewed about writing. You know how radio stations are set up... the host has headphones, I have headphones. There's a guy who adjusts this microphone in front of me. The host has a microphone in front of him.

And, I'm thinking, why is his microphone so much bigger than mine?

Oh well.

Then, while the interview is going on, I notice the host is, like, flailing his arms and stuff. He practically hits me, even. And then, when I start talking, I notice I want to flail my arms, too. And I'm, like, all fidgety like I have to pee, but I don't have to pee, but just fidgeting and flailing and thinking about peeing kind of makes me actually begin to want to pee.

I am such a loser.

Okay... fast forward to my cell phone calls today.

Yeah... calls. I had to make several before I could get hold of someone who would actually listen to me for a few minutes. I was standing outside when I made the calls, too. And I finally zoned in on why it is that the cell phone is the best thing ever invented for a guy.

Well, unless it's me, because no one ever freaking calls me.


Oh yeah... by the way, did I mention I have an iPhone? Well, actually I have two of them.

Hmmm... I wonder what they sound like when they ring.

But, I digress. See, a cell phone is the best thing ever because I can't stand still when I talk. I flail and pace and circle and stamp. Wow. Just saying that kind of makes me need to pee.

Be right back.

Okay. I came to this idea the other day when I watched my daughter talking on her cell phone (you know... the one that actually rings) with her grandmother. She was standing perfectly still, and her eyes and voice were so filled with emotion. And I was, like, how can you do that... all talking and stuff and engaged in a conversation and thinking and not freaking moving???

Guys need to move around when they think about things. And when they talk on cell phones, too. But when boys are in school, they're forced to sit down in tiny, confining student desks and most teachers absolutely FREAK OUT if they ever move.

And I don't get it, anyway.

What's so offensive about moving? Why do old-fashioned, stick-up-the-butt teachers think it's such a horrible thing that boys need to move around? And when they do, they get punished. So they sit there and have to maintain a corpse-like demeanor, and then they start to cook from the inside out, not unlike a badger in a microwave.

And they can't concentrate because they can't flail around. So they don't learn.

Girls, on the other hand, have no problem sitting still while thinking. It's how they do it. But not boys.

The other thing that's funny about schools is that teachers are much more likely to let a girl out of class to go pee (why am I on that topic so much today?) than boys. Their belief is that "boys can hold it." But with a boy, it's not always about peeing... it's about getting the opportunity to FREAKING MOVE.

But that's not allowed in school.

And I'm not kidding, but that's one of the ways we're making boys dumber.

Now go move.

Oh... by the way... give me a call.