Sunday, November 29, 2009

all suffering in one sunday

If you were one of the thousands of my fans jamming the switchboards at Facebook yesterday... yes, it's true, I was off Facebook from 11:55 a.m. until 12:07 p.m. California time.

That was twelve minutes. From now on, I'm going to try to not be on Facebook for at least one minute per month, so I figured I'd do a whole year's worth of suffering in one day.

It was difficult, but thanks to the support of my iPhone, I made it through.

See, I got this killer new app on my iPhone called The Doctor is In. It actually is a virtual therapist, but it doesn't charge you. And, exactly like a high-paid-oh-I-went-to-college-to-learn-how-to-solve-all-your-miserable-hangups therapist does, all it does is ask questions and provide no answers.

Here's a bit of the transcript:

TDII: How are you feeling today, Drew?

Drew (that's me): I can't seem to cope with anything.

TDII: Why do you suppose you can't cope with anything?

Drew: Because I'm burdened with guilt, a sense of self-loss, and intense episodes of doubt.

TDII: Tell me about your guilt, sense of self-loss, and intense episodes of doubt?

Isn't that AMAZING???

Who needs salvation when you have a fucking iPhone in your pocket?

Closest Thai food place? Want to know currency conversion for Tajikistan? Baby, we're all set.

I can't wait for the voice-activated version of The Doctor is In to come out, though, because when I was using it yesterday I accidentally crashed into a school.

Don't judge me.

It's a four-day weekend. The kids were all gone. Well, actually, they ran and hid as soon as I went through the chain link fence.

So what if I drove away?