Sunday, September 20, 2009

the lost code

Pleased as I have been by this week's comments on the blog, I was made aware that quite some time back, I wrote a piece called The Code of Boy, in which I promised to revisit the tenets of that Code.

The time has come.

First, let me explain that the Code did not come to me by any overt attempt to gain enlightenment on my part. I was visiting the Hemingway House, admiring his garden display of urinals, when a disembodied voice (I know... that is a rather Dan Brown-esque descriptor) spoke to me, telling me I should receive and become a guardian of the Code. The Code of Boy, the voice went on to vocalize (again with the Brownisms), would be preserved... here...

And then, a burning roll of toilet paper appeared in the urinal.

Naturally, I picked it up, unscrolled, and read:

The Code of Boy:

1. Never talk about breastfeeding, post-birth recovery, or circumcision. Ever.

2. Never use exclamation points. Ever. Unless they are inside quotation marks.

3. If you use an exclamation point (inside quotes -- see above), never, never, never use more than one. Certainly you shall never use a string of them... like, say, three in a row.

4. When visiting a urinal, always leave one empty urinal between yourself and the next guy peeing. If the urinal is one of those "common trough" type urinals, do not stand closer than 18 inches to either side of the next guy. If all urinals are unoccupied, use the one farthest from the door. Never choose the closest-to-the-door spot to pee.

5. Urinals [2]: Study the grout in the tiles directly level with your eyes when peeing.

6. Urinals [3]: Never talk to anyone when you are peeing, unless he is peeing, too. Do not answer anyone who is not peeing who attempts to strike up a conversation with you.

7. Never make a shopping list. Ever.

8. Remember the following two sentences, they can be useful:

"Sorry I forgot to buy the tampons. I should have made a shopping list."

"The store was all out of them."

9. Never go to the doctor unless you actually believe you may die. If a female urges you to go to the doctor, choose death.

10. There are certain books you should never be seen reading in public -- in airports, on airplanes, by the pool, etc. The scroll containing the Code does not need to list these books by title. You are a boy, you know what they are.

11. Do anything you can to avoid ever -- EVER -- having to wear a "Hello! My Name is..." name tag, unless you scribble in the words "Fucking Loser."

12. Finally, own your crackpot opinions. Do not engage in discussions, exchanges, or arguments as an Anonymous participant. Only girls are permitted to do that.

Hey... don't blame me. I am only the vehicle, and it is a monumental burden.