In honor of SCBWI LA this week, I am going to offer a special conference session on writing today. I may have another one about something else all SCBWI-ey tomorrow.
You can put your money in the slot:
Yeah, okay... so it kind of looks like the back of yesterday's "special" name tag.
Anyway, here's our conference: How to be a Writer
This is what I do. I set my coffee to brew every morning starting at exactly 4:12 a.m. [By the way, this is totally true.] That way, the coffee is all dark and hot by the time I actually pour my first cup, which is usually around 5:20 or so. Since it's summer, I've been getting up later than usual. I'm usually out of bed by 5.
You have to do push-ups and situps. This gets blood in your writer's brain. I turn on the computer and pour coffee. I do not get dressed. Getting dressed is stupid. Then I write and drink coffee. I don't care how much I write at first, but I'll usually get a good amount of words done in the morning.
Last night I had a dream about a Suicide Prevention Pit Bull named Alien. It was a brindle female. That is the truth. I am going to put her in the book I am currently writing. That is also the truth.
Everyone should have a Suicide Prevention Pit Bull, in my opinion. Once you work out the kinks with the mauling and shit like that, your problems seem suddenly insignificant.
Then, at 8:00 I go for a run. Yesterday I was slow and draggy. I ran about 7 miles. Today, I feel like running. I'll probably go about 10. I just need to finish this blogging shit.
I read a blog where the writer said that blogging was a waste of time. No shit. What a dumb fucking thing to say.
Where was I?
I prefer to run alone because I think up great shit when I run. No iPods or shit like that. There's never people out here where I run, too, which is especially nice.
You know what else I do when I need to think of cool shit (besides dream and run distance)?
I sit in my sauna.
This is it:
I built it myself.
I've actually written a lot of shit in there. You can think up really cool shit when you're naked and sweating. You should try that.
Have you put the money in the slot yet?
I hadn't used my sauna in over a year, but I fired it up yesterday. Afterwards, I was like, holy shit! I thought up some cool shit just now.
So, that's how you Be a Writer.
The thing is [and this is where people are going to get really pissed off at me... eh... what can I say?] that if you do what I do, you will NEVER be a writer. Never, never, never. You also will never be a writer if you do what anyone else who tells you how they be writers... um... be... does... I don't know, some shit like that.
Look at the time! I don't just waste my time for free, you know. I have shit to do. Dogs to dream about, miles to run, and sitting around naked and sweating to accomplish today.
I'm leaving.
Tomorrow, maybe I'll do a conference on agent tips and tricks.
Or the care and preening of Suicide Prevention Pit Bulls.
10 comments:
I live in an apartment. What can I do to achieve Sauna Nirvana?
The realness is too thick in here.
Have you ever left the sauna to jump through a hole in the ice of a nearby lake? It's incredible.
Not so much for your balls, but definitely for your consciousness.
I get nervous when you mention agents and tricks, Andrew. I am used to you sticking it to the system, not playing by the rules.
Andrew Smith, Rogue Writer.
Jonathin I think it's interesting that you said Andrew usually sticks to the system. He seems by far so far away from the system compare to most but that's just my view. I'll admit he makes writing seem so easy at times I think I could do it, then reality slaps my face and I just giggle at the thought.
Personally, Connie, I think anyone can be a writer. Writing doesn't necessarily take talent. It takes an idea (not even a good one), determination, and love. Yes, L-O-V-E! If I didn't love to write, I'd never do it. If I wasn't determined to write professionally, I'd never finish anything. Naturally, if I never had an idea, I wouldn't know what to write about.
When you start out, you'll suck. That goes for any art form. Unlike any art form, however, writing requires no initial talent (didn't I say that already?) Just do it. Fall and scrape your ass on the pavement a few times. Examine the fall and learn from your mistakes. Then, get back on the skateboard (or bike, whatever works for your analogy) and do it again.
Okay, sermon done! :)
Well said, Adam.
And I think you missed one little word in Jon's comment, Connie, but you probably figured that out.
I am so happy that someone else writes in the sauna. Unfortunately, I don't have a private one, so I'm forced to endure the dirty looks from the grandpas when I walk in with my notebook. But hey, it kills the time, and I'm getting better at keeping the paper dry.
Of course it takes talent. Life isn't that fair, it's not just hard work, and not everyone can do it. And maybe we should stop pretending otherwise. There's no moral obligation to feed other people's dreams -- you may be sending them on a wild goose chase. Maybe rather than try to write they'd be better off hearing the truth and moving on to a more rewarding passion.
I will never, ever, no matter how hard I work, play guitar like Hendrix. You know why? Because I don't have the talent. A pity. But I'll get over it.
The reason writers can't really explain how we "come up with ideas" is because there's no answer. We have no fucking clue. It just happens. One minute: nothing. The next minute: something. That's the talent part.
I have to agree with Michael, too. I have a list of things that really bother me about some of the professionals in the writing business and here are two of the worst things:
(I had to delete what I wrote, but, believe me, Michael is right).
Philip Pullman once said something to this effect: We're all telling stories all the time. What separates the writer from the rest is that the writer recognizes what makes a good story where others do not.
Michael and Drew: I believe this is that talent bit you're talking about. Because it is true that there are so many people who have not the slightest clue how to tell a story, because they just don't know how to determine what's necessary and what isn't. They can't decipher which ideas are good and which ones are not.
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