I am back from my road trip with my son.
Here is what happened while I was away: Nothing.
I can't actually be certain, though, since I was not here to observe it.
Here is one thing I did observe: (In truth, I am certain this really happened because my son and I both happened to observe it simultaneously) We were walking along a street in Berkeley, enjoying the sights and sounds -- the smell of marijuana mixed with gelato and urine -- and we passed two guys who stood at the curb, staring up at a sign on a storefront.
One of them said to the other: "That is an incredible font."
I looked at my son. He looked at me.
He said, "I rarely encounter people who truly appreciate the magnificence of a good sans-serif."
Here is something else that happened to me up in Berkeley.
After dropping my son off at his dorm, I went back to the hotel to get ready for dinner. While I was under the shower, I heard this:
BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP!
The smoke alarm in my room was alerting everyone on the fucking planet that there was some urgent matter involving smoke.
It would not shut up.
What do you do? I was... um... naked. And wet. And the alarm in the room stubbornly persisted:
BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP!By the way, I do not smoke. I also do not fire up the hibachi when I travel.
BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP!Standing there, under the shower, I decided a plan of action was necessary. My plan involved climbing up on the sofa and breaking the fucking thing, which I started to do just as there came a rattling at the door accompanied by the presence of the hotel smoke detector squad.
Did I mention that I was naked and dripping wet and climbing up on my sofa?
BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP!Oh yeah. Good times.
Luckily, before entering the shower I did something I rarely do: I closed that little-metal-thing-that-looks-like-a-seagull's-wing-on-the-door-that-I-always-forget-is-there-and-BAM!-surprise-myself-with-why-the-fuck-can't-I-open-my-door-thing-that-I-do-not-know-what-they're-called
so I spared myself the complete awkwardness of being taken to the ground while naked, wet, and standing on a sofa by the hotel's smoke detector squad, although I did have to explain through the crack in the door: 1) why I was naked and wet, and 2) that I did not set fire to the hotel room.
But the thing still did not shut up.
BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP!It is difficult to get dressed when you are being screamed at by a fucking plastic disc on the wall that refuses to be broken.
Later that night, this happened:
It was 3:30 a.m.
I was so asleep. It was wonderful. Right in the middle of this really bizarre dream about two superhero women (one wore a red suit, and the other wore white) who were fighting -- kicking the living shit out of each other -- in the branches of a very big, tangled tree.
It was a cool dream!
Guess what happened?
BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP!Someone had set the alarm clock beside the bed to go off at exactly 3:30 a.m.
What do you do?
I was in alarm hell. I can't turn off strange alarm clocks. I don't ever use an alarm clock at home, but a foreign clock is entirely unmanageable to me. Besides, I am totally blind without my glasses.
BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEP!So, I had to get out of bed, find my glasses, turn on the lights, and figure out how to shut up the goddamned alarm clock.
I was done. Pissed off. No more fighting female superheroes in trees.
My nerves are shot.
I hate alarms. They do not save lives. They make people angry and stressed out.
Alarms -- all of them -- are killers.