So I was going to write this post a while ago about how disappointed I was in the Postal Service.
Eh... whatever.
It's kind of a non-issue, like when people who want to be President of the United States of America talk about amending the Constitution of the United States of America in order to "protect" marriage against gay human beings.
That's probably the dumbest thing anyone who wants to be President of the United States could ever talk about in 2012. It is dumber than talking about the current season of Doctor Who, which, I am told, is a television program that I have never seen.
One time I told somebody that I had never seen Doctor Who.
You know what he said to me?
He said this:
That is really sad.
I did not know my life was really sad because I had not ever seen Doctor Who.
I thought all the sadness in my life was due to other things.
See how stupid and misled you can be when you do not watch television?
Anyway, that same guy -- the one who shook his head woefully and said That's really sad when I said I have never watched Doctor Who -- you know what I did to him?
I made him a character in a book I wrote and killed him.
I do that kind of shit a lot.
Oh yeah? You think it is "sad" that I do not watch Doctor Who?
Well, take that, motherfucker.
I was angry at the US Postal Service because of this important stuff I had sent to this important kid on the other side of the country, and the US Postal Service never delivered it.
There ought to be a Constitutional Amendment banning lost packages. It could come right after the one that forces me to stop killing people in my books who judge me harshly and find happiness by watching Doctor Who.
Are the Doctor Who fans getting pissed off at me?
Yesterday, I think I pissed off everyone in "Hollywood," as well as Andrea Bocelli fans, and possibly the Republics of Italy and North Korea, too.
I failed to mention that the movie I had watched had James Franco in it.
I think James Franco should run for President.
Or, maybe, he should be appointed Postmaster General.
James could do it.
I think those might be the last two things on James Franco's to-do list.
Me? I need to clean my office.
Remember the 12-year-old kid named Ian, who was solely responsible for bringing me out to Miami in November for the Miami Book Fair International?
Ian's a big fan of all things Marbury.
Well, it was probably the best thing I have ever participated in as a writer. So, before I left Miami, I got to spend some time with Ian, and I told him I would send him some original manuscript pages from Passenger, which is the sequel to The Marbury Lens, as well as a poster for The Marbury Lens.
So, I packed all that stuff up in one of those unstoppable cardboard tube things at the beginning of December and sent it off to Ian -- via the un-James-Franco administered US Postal Service.
It never got there.
I was bummed.
Ian was bummed. I know what it's like, being 12 and waiting for something to come in the mail. It is like a black hole.
Worse, I think Ian may have entertained the thought that I didn't do what I told him I was going to do.
I can't stand people who break promises to kids.
Now THAT should be a Constitutional Amendment, you stupid idiots who want to be President of the United States of America: There will be no breaking promises to kids.
Also, the pages I sent him were my FAVORITE pages -- from an original manuscript -- that no longer, apparently, exist in this universe. I sent him about 10 pages of this really creepy scene that takes place in the middle of the wasteland of the Marbury desert.
Part of that scene is on my Writing page on my website.
Some people who have read that short excerpt have guessed that it has something to do with Seth, the ghost from The Marbury Lens. I am not going to tell them if they are right or not. I will only say it is a very creepy scene.
So, anyway... I packaged up a new set of pages (from three different parts of Passenger), another The Marbury Lens poster, and a handwritten (well, printed, actually, since I can not handwrite) letter to Ian and shipped them all off -- again. But this time, it was with UPS.
I think it's cool to send handwritten letters to people, even if my writing looks like a nervous seven-year-old who needs to pee really bad and cannot write on horizontal parallels.
I have heard that James Franco has very nice penmanship.
13 comments:
No one is stupid for not watching any television show. I've often wished I could cut my TV addiction. I smoked when I was younger and I quit cold turkey. Quitting smoking was easier than quitting TV.
If you're like me, though, and you're addicted to TV, there are certainly worse shows than Doctor Who that you could watch.
They lost your original pages? That is so fucked up.
You should have gone with FedEx. We work with UPS everyday, and they lose shit all the time. One time, the courier just quit. He was delivering a part for my work that costs $30,000.
Ho hum.
Anyway, now that I'm done bitching about UPS, Ian sounds like such an awesome kid. I would have felt terrible too, even though it wasn't your fault at all.
Was it 127 hours? Because that movie is awesome, but disturbing. If it was the Apes movie, I haven't seen that one. I should know better than to try to spark a conversation about movies with you.
That really sucks. I feel sorry for Ian. For something like that to get lost in the mail is horrible. However, did you know that the USPS actually delivers some of UPS' packages?
Oh no. Didn't you make me a character in one of your books and kill me off. Oh gosh.....umm...must have done something wrong. Ehhh sorry :).
OH NO! Is it because I use emoticons? exclamation points?
Will I ever know the life lesson to correct my mistakes?
Um.
To be honest, I made TWO characters after you: one that lived, and one who got shot in the head.
You didn't do anything wrong, I just thought you'd like to be in the book.
But I realize I am behind on life lessons for you, so here's one I'll pass along:
White chocolate may not be chocolate, but in oatmeal cookies, it's pure sex.
Give Up (2003)
For some reason, that was the only thing I could think of the whole time I read.
Anyway, I used to work for Pier 1 and we did all of our shipping for customers via UPS. My store was down the road from a FedEx giantbuilding/distributor/thing and somehow 90% of our customers worked there or felt loyal to that purple place. When I would tell them the cost and that UPS would be shipping, they'd refuse the business for that simple reason.
Once, a customer responded, "brown is for poop. I only use purple." I never asked what she meant.
In the long run, I go with the shipping method that actually does it's job. They all have holes to fill, and unfortunately (and a bit ironically) Marbury ended up in one of those holes.
Brown is the way to go, fo sho.
I think Ian should run for President.
I haven't been to a movie theater for a long time.
I have a hard time paying attention to movies.
I am supremely pissed that Important Literature Originals have been lost. Like that fire that burned down the library in Alexandria.
That is some of the stuff that keeps me up at night.
Kristen, I am actually on a mission to clean my office today. Speaking of "Important Literature Originals," I will stack up all the pages from drafts, revisions, edits, and first passes and take a picture of them before they go to a landfill.
I don't know what to do with them.
When I was in Chicago, a nice lady from some university library said they were amassing collections of original manuscripts and she asked if she could have one of mine.
I was, like, hell yes. You should see how freaking messy my office is.
TWO, well you certainly thought right. Talk about makings my day. You good sir are a genuis.
Andrew.
Keep some of your original stuff. Because I know things.
One of the things I know is that someone is going to want originals so that "Andrew Smith Archives" can get set up in some library somewhere. Maybe the Huntington.
I know this is not how you roll. You are probably laughing at me and shaking your head.
Trust me.
I know things.
I am loving your James Franco obsession today (or two days ago, as it were).
He's my hero purely because he is gorgeous. Oh yeah, and he's a pretty damn good writer too.
Kristen.
I keep everything. It's sad.
Also, I don't watch television either. A movie every now and then -sure, usually with Lexi.
I do have one guilt t.v. show in the summer.. sigh.
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