I have been encountering a lot of uptight people lately.
Seems like everywhere I go, people are lacking that certain this-time-of-year spirit.
Um.
I am not Christian.
But every year my wife and kids celebrate Christmas.
I enjoy giving gifts, but I do not like receiving them.
We've had this talk before.
Anyway, my family likes to decorate the tree and stuff like that at this time of year.
I am okay with that.
We have a nice tree.
Would I be a bad person if I said that I think we have a predilection for hanging ornaments that are particularly gay?
I love our gay Christmas tree.
I do believe it is the gayest Christmas tree in our little lakeside community.
Even though it is Christmas, my little lakeside community is not very gay at all.
I always thought you were supposed to feel gay this time of year, but up here where I live, people just don't seem to have the spirit at all.
Eh... what do I know? I'm not even Christian, anyway. I probably do not have the right to feel gay this time of year.
My dumb, uptight neighbors need a hug or something.
Maybe if I show them pictures of my Christmas tree ornaments, it will, as the song says, make their yuletide gay. I feel gay every time I look at my tree, and I want my neighbors to feel gay, too.
I'm all about spreading the spirit.
This is my tree:
Here is one of my ornaments:
How can you NOT smile at that???
That little fellow always makes me feel gay.
Here are some more:
I bet you feel gayer now, too.
I would show you some pictures of the sparkling, bejeweled unicorn ornaments, but that might be too much for one blog post.
So here are two other random ornaments from my very gay Christmas tree.
First, this ornament came from (I am not making this shit up) President Ronald Reagan. It is a long story, but it is true. Ronnie, if you are reading this blog from heaven, I just want to say thank you for making my tree so gay and... I don't know... gold plated or something.
That ornament doesn't make me feel so gay. It's a little too regimented and contains a subtle message like "We are not gay in this house." I can almost hear the gold doors slamming. But, oh well... it came from the president of the fucking world. It deserves a spot on the tree.
Am I allowed to say "fuck" in a post about my Christmas tree?
I'll have to ask my neighbors.
And finally, I don't know what the fuck this is. My son made it when he was in 2nd grade.
He always got bad grades in art.
Fuck that.
How can you give a child a bad grade in art?
Guess what, second-grade-teacher-with-a-telephone-pole-up-your-ass? My son is now at UC Berkeley, which is, like the number-three rated university in the fucking world. He got in when he was sixteen years old.
Maybe it was because he made shit like this, that nobody understands:
Um.
Maybe not.
Ho ho ho.
18 comments:
I was going to say: where's your photographic evidence, but then you provided it.
I love this post so much.
Now I feel as gay as the day is long.
I love that feeling.
And I know what that is Trevin made when he was little. It's an alot.
WV: biltesur. Definition: A German construction company, operating mostly in the middle of fucking nowhere, California.
I hate the religious aspect of Christmas and I hate the gifty portion of Christmas. As soon as people expect me to give them gifts, I don't. It's when they've given up on never getting a single gift from me that I spring a good one on them. Because gifts should be...well gifts. Otherwise we'd call them expecteds.
Also, your tree is gayer than mine. And mine was decorated by two gays. Now I'm going to have to call off sick from work and gay up my tree.
Happy gay tree day.
I love this post.
I also love your tree and the gay ornaments.
It's obviously the abominable gorilla-man. In mint condition even--I'm impressed.
I volunteer with a school librarian who doesn't like the pre-K kids to do scribble scratch. (When's the last time you said "scribble scratch"?) I come home sometimes and take a piece of plain paper and take a crayon and color in circles until the entire page is filled. And I feel gay.
I think I'll take a pair of safety scissors and cut out a pregnant reindeer like Trevin's. I know it's a pregnant reindeer because look at that belly and those ankles.
No tree for me; I hate to vacuum needles. But some extra lights for the longest days of the year and shiny, colorful decorations around the apartment make me feel gay during a time of the year I'd rather be dead.
Today's my day to wrap some presents. I may decorate the paper with scribble scratch. In gay colors.
I hate Christmas. Really. I don't like buying crap no one needs, and I don't like digging ornaments out of the hell that is the garage. I hate the music. I hate what the whole thing does to parents who are barely paying the rent let alone showering gifts on their kids. The whole thing, yuck.
Michael,
Who needs a hug?
Who needs a hug?
Come here, big guy. You need a hug.
I love all these comments so much.
Usually, I ask my wife and kids what they want. Then I go out and get it. This year, I went completely off the board and bought them gifts that I really think are special and unexpected, so I can't wait to see their reactions.
Also, I have to say (and I still totally HATE it when people give me presents), this year, having my son come home, picking him up from the airport... I don't know... something happened in me, like I have a heart or some shit like that, because nothing is better than having us all here together.
That's a great point, Andrew. Even if it's for a silly reason, it's nice to have an excuse to all be together, and not have to go to work, or school, or battle.
I recognized the alot, too! Way before there was an official alot, Trevin made one.
Christmas trees are pagan, anyhow. Yay for gay and pagan!
Let's send Michael Grant a Thomas Kinkade unicorn-in-a-cottage. Wait. I already got that for you. Well, let's get him one, too. It can live in his garage.
Dude. Wave some sage or something in front of that Ronald Reagan thing. Methinks it's one of the gates to hell, which is comprised of impeccably coiffed people in gated(not gay ted) communities who ban books and are mean to pets.
Let us all don gay apparel, pour libations in honor of the solstice, or just in honor of good whisky, and be merry. And gay.
Now, inspired, I'm off to don my gay apparal.
Good God.
I never thought about that.
It is a gate to hell.
I shall surround the tree with salt crystals and burn sage immediately.
I'll be burning something.
I heart you, Kristen.
First: I love your gay Christmas tree! Better than the ghetto Christmas tree my teens and I put up at work (almost better; mine's decorated with lovely teen fingerprints [that sounded creepy]).
Second: I'm a giving person. I give all year round. No sense in waiting for a season to give to the people you love. So, at Christmas, I just give as much as my pocket allows. If I love you, and you get nothing for Christmas, you'll get something someday soon. Because giving gifts is how I roll.
It's just my thing.
I am absolutely with you on receiving gifts. I don't need anything, and I hate pretending to be excited. It's fucking torture. Oh, look, it's some piece of shit I don't want but now I have to engage in acting, plus there's one more piece of clutter in my house, and worst of all I know you spent your rent money on it.
I want to live in one of those spreads in Architectural Digest. Two pieces of furniture and an orchid surrounded by emptiness. Instead I have a family that likes stuff, and likes to throw that stuff everywhere.
By the way, for years I've floated my own plan for Xmas gifts: everyone writes everyone else a check for twenty bucks. We all come out even. Gifting accomplished, let's all have a drink.
I've done some research. I googled "how to keep the gates of hell closed" and I read a bunch of stuff that was creepy and singularly unhelpful. So I came up with some other stuff for you.
Yes to salt and sage.
Say "Mind the Gap", because, thanks to PASSENGER, that is now the ultimate badass warning. in Welsh it sounds even more righteous: Gwyliwch y bwlch. I find Google translator such a comfort in these trying times.
Duct tape is what it all comes down to in the end, though.
I heart you too, Matthew.
LMAO!! The ornaments cracked me up. We let my 7 year old daughter pick out the ornaments she wanted , and of course they are all bright purple and pink and have glitter on them, some are princess ones too. And we let our 5 year old son pick out the ones he wantend and those are all blue and green, and some are cars. Needless to say we have a very colorful tree =)
I just celebrate Christmas for the hell of it. I don't really associate Jesus with Xmas. I know I am suppose too, but I am just not religous in general.
So who's the body on the sofa in front of the tree?
Ha! That is my reading spot, beside the fire.
Kristen, you need a copy of the Necronomicon.
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