We need to plan.
Look, if we're going to be all evil and shit, we need a couple things, so let me shoot some ideas out there.
Can one of you guys get a minion to jot this down on the whiteboard, please?
I.
Am.
Waiting.
I figure we're gonna need outfits. Klingons have 'em, don't they? Except -- and I know this is gonna sound crazy, but bear with me -- can I just say... ewww! way too brooding, klunky, and dark. Even the original, retro Klingon outfit... Burlap??? Are you fucking kidding me???
What do you think about jumpsuits?
Tapered, of course.
I don't want to look like Chubby and the Chubettes.
After all, we are evil.
Not fat.
Okay.
Jumpsuits and -- duh! -- we'll need secret headquarters.
I could live with underground, but we'll have to do something about the humidity.
And nobody will know about our headquarters because it will be located in some upscale, urbane community and will only be marked by our...
secret logo.
We need someone on this logo thing, pronto.
It needs to be simple, yet bold. I'm thinking maybe black, thick lines (which would look really delicious on our jumpsuits) that, when you see it, it will shout out, like, I don't know, all the things we stand for, like mutilation, f-bombs, and penises and shit.
You know, all the shit in our credo.
Which we do have, right?
Because we're evil.
Who's turn was it to bring the snacks?
18 comments:
I'm actually glad you went satirical, Andrew, I was kind of worried you were going to read some Irinve Welsh, and then start slamming heroin.
But, it does kind of look like you need a shave.
Didn't you see DR. HORRIBLE? The evil laugh has to come first. Nothing else--the outfits, the lair, the logo--means a thing if you can't do a convincing evil laugh.
It's about standards.
LMAO!!! You are freaking hilarious Andrew! I couldn't believe the WSJ's article. Ignore the whole thing. It was bullshit :) Keep up the great work and don't let Column writer's with stick's up their ass's say anything different.
Satirical?
Dude... I want a jumpsuit so freakin' bad it's not funny.
Okay, not satire. Just truth, seriously depraved truth, but truth nonetheless.
I cannot wait to take over the world with you guys. Seriously. As long as it's after the DOCTOR WHO mid-season finale. Because, hey - priorities. :)
:o)
Dark and Depraved Anthology much?
Can I be a minion? I'll let you use my black cape for your uniform (bastions of evil do NOT wear "outfits" TYVM)
Capes are great. They've very swooshy and atmospheric. :-P
You should all have an open mic reading at the White House and invite Common. I hear the WSJ and News Corp are big fans.
"I hear the WSJ and News Corp are big fans."
Doesn't Murdoch own both orgs? Well...at least he's consistent. :)
Ah, thanks for my first laugh since the WSJ article went live. Is there room for evil editors in your axis?
Welcome, Susan.
Good gosh... thank you all for the cheer and comments. Honestly, I've been avoiding being online because of all the incredibly depressing shit in my inbox, which has exploded.
I can't even begin to deal with all the shit on my phone.
Not a good last couple days.
I'm going to post this and run.
Wait. You're getting hate mail, Andrew? Fuck. What a bunch of bullshit. If you'd like to hire an assistant, you know, to screen your mail, I'm willing to move to canyon country for the low price of a lifetime supply of DMT.
Either that or I get to be the key grip on the film, which is now clearly going to be huge. Banned books make blockbuster films, even they don't end up with much critical acclaim.
Andrew, I just choked on a chip from laughing so hard at this. You are a genius. An evil one, obvi, but still. I totally volunteer to be the minion with the whiteboard.
I still recommend THE MARBURY LENS to everyone I chat books with. Phenomenal book. Screw that article.
Sara is awesome. She and Shannon can both work for me in my department on the film crew. I can do production design, lighting design, carpentry, boom operation, sound design, substance acquisition coordination production. I'm not kidding.
Does that make it funnier? If I say I'm not kidding, when I obviously am? It feels like too much, but I'm told it's funny. I can't tell, I don't really know funny. I just like to be weird.
I read Marbury Lens and loved it. Yes, it was disturbing and bleak, but it was also beautiful and held out hope.
Anyway, bad mother that I am, I let my 13-year old read it and as far as I can tell, neither of us has sprouted horns or tails. At least not yet. I'll be sure to keep checking on this, and if anything changes, will let you know.
I don't have an article in the Wall Street Journal or even the local newspaper, but I want to tell you that Marbury Lens and Shine by Lauren Myracle are two of my favorite books. So, if you all were to take over the world, I'd still totally buy your books. I'll even deliver your snacks if you let me.
Post a Comment