Saturday, January 19, 2013

how to write novels (part 4)

Bet you thought I was gone, didn't you?

A lot of people did.

I haven't been gone; it's just that the universe decided a couple weeks ago to enshroud me in a fucking invisibility cloud.

It's a long story.

Also, I've been playing Castleville and Coasterville on Facebook nonstop for the past week. I haven't even gotten out of my chair and have plenty of filled bottles of urine on the floor of my office to prove it.

Honestly, I wonder why so many people invite me to play Castleville and Coasterville on Facebook. Do they suppose I'm going to be their Castleville and Coasterville on Facebook bitch?

Oh well, at least they're thinking enough of me to invite me to play those wonderful, wonderful games with them!

Anyway, I'll assume that you've all followed the steps outlined in the previous posts and that you've finished your cover designs. Your cover should look something like these:


Bet you never knew the author of Ecstacy (I wonder if they really didn't know how to spell it) was also the author of Lady in a Hurry.

I'm pretty sure I'd pay 75 cents for that one.

Also, these are from the time when guys actually wrote books.

I suppose that says something.

But speaking of paying for something:

Now with a card reader.

Last night I had a dream in which Dwight David Eisenhower explained the limitations of and essential differences between narrative fiction told in first person past tense and first person present.

I honestly really had that dream.

It was weird.

Then he challenged me to play Castleville and Coasterville on Facebook with him.

Fuck you, Ike.

So. Are you ready to start writing?

The essential prep to writing a novel is creating your author website and having business cards printed.

Now, I know nobody ever tells you that, but it's true--you simply MUST have a "web presence" before you write anything, or else nobody will take you seriously.

RULE NUMBER FOUR: To get a convincing "web presence" that is guaranteed to impress publishers, simply invite a hundred fucking thousand people to play Castleville and Coasterville on Facebook with you.


You are an internet sensation.